The First Cut is the Deepest
by LeLa London
Summary: Matt Hartley and Betty Suarez deal with Betty's kiss with Henry after season 3's episode 23. Story features both points of views.
1. Just Friends

_"I saw you there last night  
Standing in the dark  
You were acting so in love  
With your hand upon his heart."_

_Gavin Degraw- Just Friends_

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**The First Cut Is The Deepest**

_Chapter 1- Just Friends_**  
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I saw you two there last night. You both were sitting on a dark, wooden bench, secluded by nearby small, green trees. It was late, and the place didn't have a lot of people in the area except stragglers who occasionally walked by in order to get to their destination. Your knees were mere inches a part and the both of you were laughing, having a heart to heart. He was consoling you over your stolen editor position, and informed you that he frequently updated his Facebook so you wouldn't miss each other while he was in New York. He even had the correct amount memorized to 3 days, 11 hours, and 27 minutes until you replied. You were smiling and told him you weren't good with technology. He teased you back saying you were.

There was a moment where it appeared that you were gathering encourage for some reason since you had your head downcast. And then you looked at him straight in the eyes, it was during this time that you said, "I'm moving in with Matt." The tone of your voice implied how hard it was to say to him and of slight doubts you had.

He was taken a back and interested, "Oh," shook his head and asked a particular question that an ex should never ask about someone's current boyfriend. "Do you love him?"

"I do." There was a sad, yet resigned emotion to your eyes. "Henry, what we had was amazing, and exciting, probably because you were my first love, and probably because it always felt so impossible. What I have with Matt is totally different, but it's really good."

The whole time she was saying how she felt about him and I, he was lost in thought, trying to not let her words affect him too much. I could see that. She sought to be sure of her feelings, but they sounded rehearsed like she was supposed to say them as opposed to meaning them, aspiring to convince herself of how exactly to feel. If you asked me, she didn't seem too sure of how she felt. That is what worries me.

"Matt's a great guy."

"He is."

"And Chloe is a great girl."

He suddenly came to a realization, and said, "I don't know why I'm with her. The only thing we have in common is that we can both do one arm push-ups."

"She does look strong."

There were staring and accompanied carefree laughter.

"I don't know if I'm going ever feel this way with anyone else," he abruptly announced, becoming serious.

"Me neither," she replied.

"So what do we do?" he asked with some hesitation.

"Well, I guess I just to have to accept that I'll always be a little bit in love with you. And that's ok as long as it doesn't keep us from moving on. "

"You're pretty damn smart. Did you know that?" he teased. "So this is goodbye, again."

He didn't want to leave. She didn't want him to leave.

"I guess so," you answered while smiling.

The two of you, stood up, hugged, and behaved very innocently. He pecked your lips once, in the midst of pulling away, before both of you closed the gap that existed in front of you, so enthralled with each other that you two ignored the fact that you were in other relationships. I knew you guys weren't 'just friends.' They held one another like they were so in love or rather, like they never stopped being in love with each other. Countless, cherished kisses later, both broke away, faces filled with guilt. He took half a second to compose himself and left. She froze, distressed before walking in the counter direction.

What a strange feeling, having your heart agonizingly sink to the soles of your shoes. The sting so fresh you're still reeling from the loss of security, of belief, of love for your relationship, and trust in the girl you shared your world to. I also paused with a bouquet of sunflowers in my right hand, turned around, and disbelievingly walked to my limo. I don't know anything right now.

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_A/N: Title from Sheryl Crow's The First is the Deepest/originally the song came to mind from One Tree Hill. It was a season 1, episode title. Referenced and modified lines from artists like Gavin Degraws' 'Just Friends,' for my first sentence of paragraph one, A Fine Frenzy's 'Near to You" for second sentence of the last paragraph. The second and third song that inspired me is brilliant by the way, and you should check them out. Also the first chapter's title comes from Secondhand Serenade's Like A Knife; thought it was appropriate. I've never listened to Crow so I can't form an opinion there. I also used a lot of actual quotes Betty and Henry used from episode 23. The details and description were mine though.  
_

_This is my new Ugly Betty fic. I've never written a UB fanfic in this universe so I'll see what people think. _

_So this work isn't a one shot, I've got at least one more chapter on this. Who knows though? Matt is going to be Betty's boss so that should be interesting, could be fic material. I'll see. _

_Oh, and excuse my minor convention errors. I might be missing a few words here and there or misspell things completely without knowing. In that case, I'll edit my stuff._

_Last, please review! Thanks. _


	2. Carry Me Through

A/N: Ch. 2! I hope you'll read this Kareena. Quick fact: I listened to Superchick's Crawl while writing half of this. This chapter was to show how much pain Matt was in and how emotions really have a mind of their own. Chapter's a bit disconnected because of it. I wrote it in a stream of consciousness style with some structure for clarification.

"_Oh he said it's crazy_

_How love stays with me, yeah_

_You know it hurts me_

_Cause I don't wanna fight this war_

_It's amazing_

_To see me reading through this scene of love and fear_

_And apologies."_

_Grace Potter and the Nocturnals- Apologies_

Chapter 2: Carry Me Through

My mind wandered somewhere far distant from my body. Pain, I'm in pain. I believe so anyway. It's difficult to tell because the pain itself is sharp and the force that's gripping me from all sorts of directions will not ease. Won't this pain please stop? The worse part is that my chest insanely aches. My senses have dulled and suddenly the world appears beaten and thin. I hate the powerlessness. Where do I go now? What am I going to do? Betty, what did you do?

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do…with you. Things were so easy. You lit up my world with that contagious, shiny smile of yours. Life was better than it had been in a long time. I remember the first time you spoke to me. It sounds dorky, but I had been watching you for weeks before I gathered enough courage to approach you that day when Mastenarde recounted her Darfur days. You were really moved. Tears made their way down your cheeks as you quickly wiped them away, while you talked to your friend about how you preferred a Genocide week over Fashion Week. I was supposed to be paying attention to the speaker. However, I could not because I became too enamored with your charm and wit to care. You were so cute. I thought I finally found someone I could trust, who knew me, who I connected with as we started dating and getting to know each other. I remember thinking I didn't want to let you go and I continued to hold you in my arms for as long as I could. Now, I felt like I was pulled in a million different directions where what lied ahead consisted of many arrows set in their quest. Each varied and asked me of something. I honestly don't know what to do. A kiss always means something. I saw you.

I could forget and forgive you, although it's unbearable to do so with the way I'm feeling now. The sting of betrayal is too fresh raw enough that the sightless wounds are still bleeding. I'm running low. Strength levels are depleted. What an emergency.

Black, blacker, going into a deeper gaping center of darkness where it feels weightless and I'm soaring, not from a natural high, but rather a strange plummeting sensation of fatal, crushing proportions directed at the pit of my stomach. Goodbye happiness. It was nice meeting you.

Unshed tears impatiently waiting to overflow only to be met by resistance, I refused to show further weakness. So this is how it feels to be numb and feel too much simultaneously. I can say it's peculiar and unwelcoming. I'm stuck and I don't think I can mentally break free.

Time inches forward and I haven't changed yet. The dawn breaks from the window. Light illuminates the glass, but I don't feel any heat. I'm extremely unhappy and sluggish. I don't want to move. I guess I'll just stay here for a little while. My apartment can be the barrier that feebly fights the world.

I loved you. I still do, yet I can't forget what you've done. Please tell me how do I trust you? I opened myself to you. I wanted us to move in together, and this is how you react. How could you do this to me? I don't understand, and I'm urgently attempting to understand why. The conclusion is constantly the same: unexplained, difficult to grasp, and tainted with anger and hurt.

Betty, can you… can you just tell me why?


	3. So In Love With Two

A/N: Switching things up. :)

"_I wonder, how am I supposed to feel when you're not here_

_Cause I burned every bridge I ever built when you were here_

_I still try holding onto silly things, I never learn_

_Oh why, all the possibilities I'm sure you've heard."_

_Paramore- That's What You Get _

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Betty's Point of View

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**The First Cut Is The Deepest  
**

_Chapter 3- So In Love With Two_

I didn't mean it, any of what I caused. It feels completely surreal that I could do that amount of damage to another human being. I always believed in myself, my love for my family, and trusted the world. I was a combination of an idealist and realist. Those categories of words usually never meshed together, but that's unsurprising given that's a part of who I am. I know I was not the conventional beauty, but I was intelligent and hardworking. Being who I have been has linked to my success at Mode, I considered myself a good person because compared to other people I knew myself pretty well. My family would ground me if I lost sight of that.

So I don't know I came to be here sitting with Henry late at night. It was only supposed to be someone close to me listening to my great disappointment. The editor position for the New York Times was a large snag in my plans. I had such high hopes for that spot. My dreams were within grasp. I barely had my short, pale hands wrapped around the apple before someone I trusted took my dream job away. I needed to vent. I tried to call Matt, but he was busy and in the next moment that's where I made my first mistake: I called Henry.

Here I was sitting pretty close to him, and he was looking handsome. It's funny how I'm noticing this when I'm dating someone really seriously. Matt and I were moving in together. I know I should be happy and I was somewhat just not enough. The feeling wasn't enough. I keep trying to convince myself. Things were great. They were perfect, but then what I was doing with Henry? I couldn't help but question myself. When I was around Henry, it was like the world ceased to exist, and the world now only included him and I. I was still in love with him. No, no, no. I couldn't be thinking this. We were friends and I was fine with that. Then why was it so difficult to tell Henry that I was moving in with Matt? Betty all you have say is, I'm moving in with Matt. Betty just say it. Fine.

"I'm moving in with Matt."

Wow, that doesn't sound happy at all. I should be happy that Matt and I are moving together. The fact that we are should mean something big. I keep using "shoulds."

You appeared shocked and asked if I loved Matt. Of course I did.

"I do."

Something still doesn't feel right when I said that. Is it because that isn't the whole truth? Ye—n o.

"Matt's a great guy."

"He is."

I'm doing it again, comparing Matt with Henry, mentally keeping score. It's not fair of me. I'm agreeing, but I can't resist thinking Henry's a great guy too. What am I doing? Stop.

I added, "And Chloe's a great girl."

Unexpectedly he declared, "I don't know why I'm with her. The only thing we have in common is that we can both do one arm push-ups."

Why did you say that? I thought we could pretend. Pretending is best thing we can do. Ignoring works too.

"She does look strong," I agreed half-heartedly.

We both laughed on how we were acting since the act was untrue, and the feelings were still real, but we kept skirting the issue.

"I don't know if I'm going ever feel this way with anyone else," he disclosed.

"Me neither," I confessed.

"So what do we do?" he inquired uncertainly.

"Well, I guess I just to have to accept that I'll always be a little bit in love with you. And that's ok as long as it doesn't keep us from moving on," I decided. The decision wasn't easy, but I finally made one. A decision I could live with. While Henry is still a big part of my life and we have history, I know this is the right thing to do.

"You're pretty damn smart. Did you know that?" he kidded. "So this is goodbye, again."

Hearing goodbye was harder than I thought. Saying goodbye was worst.

"I guess so," I replied smiling attempting to keep this memory alive. I wanted to smile because this might be the last time I see you in a while.

I stood up and we held each other tight. I didn't want to let you go. I had to time to smell your scent. The scent that silently smelled of musk and now light sweat, from your work outs probably I observed absentmindedly.

All too soon I had to reluctantly loosen my fingers until they dropped to my sides. You consistently claimed my gaze though, and gradually, we melted into this indescribable kiss, another, more and more. Hands gripped tenderly with necessary pressure to remain standing. I was wonderfully floating again.

Without warning we both remembered we were attached to two different people and what we did was wrong. This shouldn't have happened. You left in one direction. I stood petrified and hurriedly walked to the nearest cab.

I needed time to think what my actions might lead to which directs me to my room, contemplating the days events.

I feel horribly guilty. I don't think I was thinking. I went by feeling. I might have ruined one of brightest things in my life. Oh, Matt. I'm sorry. I sound like I'm making excuses. Maybe I am. Gosh, everything's crazy and I made it that way.

What am I going to do?

I'm continuing to sink further into hopelessness, actively making more mistakes.

What have I done?

Matt, I want to be with you. Henry's my past. You're my future. I know that now. I hope I'm not too late. I can't be too late, I realized while a downward pull of doubt plagues my stomach. I shut my eyes. Everything has to be okay, I thought. Lying on my left side on top of my full bed, head pressing on the white pillow case, my comforter and sheets are my only comfort. Actions have consequences. I have to face mine. Everything's okay. Everything's okay.

A/N 1: Excuse the missing words or wrong words in place of the right ones. I'm not 100% great at conventions although I'm pretty good.

A/N 2: Thank you for the support and encouragement Kareena. No, you're really great. I'm thrilled you believe in this story as much as you do and the fact that you think I'm really talented, well you sure know how to make a girl smile, haha.

I love writing descriptions and giving details. The thesaurus helps me if I can't think of the exact word I want to use. My writing's always been very intense, and my writing length tends to be short because of it. I was pleasantly surprised that you quoted a particular line from chapter 2. I had worried about that line because I had no idea if the structure plus description was unclear and all over the place, but I kept that line anyway because it was fitting. Good thing to huh?

It's honestly good to know you thought I captured Matt's state of mind. I was sorry to hear that you've been down that road. I experienced something similar. It was pretty nightmarish. I think that's why I related to his point of view and felt compelled to write this piece.

You know what's daunting now? My future chapters and if I live up to someone's expectations, I mean first and foremost I'm writing this story for me, but I don't want the quality of work to suffer because I was stuck or something. Last, I hope you're well. :)

Sincerely,

Lela


	4. Haven't We All

"_It wasn't a lie but it wasn't true_

_I just wanted to make you feel good_

_Just wanted you near_

_I wasn't prepared I wasn't thinking of you_

_That you could actually love me_

_It never should have started."_

_Gavin DeGraw- Glass_

Chapter 4- Haven't We All

What am I going to do? I need advice, a second opinion perhaps. It was not long before I turned to Hilda. After I told her my story, I asked her if I should tell Matt what happened between Henry and me. She surprised me by saying I should withhold it from him because if the kiss was not a big deal then I should not mention it. Why make a big deal out of nothing, right? Okay, her argument might have made sense, but another bigger part of my conscious kept insisting that I owe Matt the entire truth. Why did I listen to Hilda again? Of course that one was obvious. She was my older sister and I loved her very much so I respected what she had to say. And while she might have had good intentions, they ultimately did not work out in this situation. I should have listened to myself.

This experience is making me question my identity. Am I a good person or not? If I am then, why did this mess with Henry happen? I _let_ it happen actually. My judgments were not impaired, and I made choices like any other day. I know I was a part of the blame, but it is becoming too easy to feel guilty and have the desperate need to apologize. I wish I could take everything back. No matter how great I want to change the last 24 hours, I know that is not possible. I cannot handle lying and avoiding the truth for much longer so I will say the shameful truth now.

'Matt, I met up with Henry last night. He was cheering me up because I didn't get that position that I'd hoped for. We were saying goodbyes, and we kissed. I'm sorry. He was my first love. I don't think someone ever really falls out of love with their first love, but you have to know that I love _you_, Matt. I choose you because I see you as part of my future. I don't know how I can make you understand where I'm coming from. Even when I'm a bad person who committed a huge mistake, I have to tell you how I feel about my past and about us if I want to keep what you and I have.'

That monologue was what I should have said; only I didn't. Where did my courage go?

Now it appears like I am too late to redeem myself. You have known the whole time and were only waiting for me to confess what I have done. You wanted to see if I could be honest with you, and it is with burning remorse that I admit I had failed your test. Again, I am naively wishing that I can take everything back. I'm sorry. I'm sorry although repeating those words won't be enough either. It really won't. Did I expect them to?

And without warning, your once tender, deep brown eyes charges through me and I can barely leaf through a glimpse of how much I hurt you. Oh gosh, I am overwhelmed with emotions. There are traces of regret and even sympathy. You also have chunks of horrific anger and solid bitterness buried within those irises. Unfortunately for me, in that next moment, you choose to conceal your feelings. I don't think you meant for anybody to witness this "weak" display of emotion since you quickly straightened your face blank. Not that I don't understand why you are continuing to remain emotionless, I am the culprit to this ordeal. Did I expect leniency or for you to forgive me already?

When you silently turned and walked away, I stared stupefied, trying to process the events that occurred. My body reacted with prevailing determination. 'I am not going to give up on you, Matt Hartley,' I mentally told myself. This relationship isn't over because it sure doesn't feel over. I still think that you're in love with me. I just really damaged your trust by cheating on you with my first serious ex-boyfriend. I have to find a way to repair things between us. Mostly, I have hope, and I am going to hold on to that like the way you held me, how your lean arms would encircle my form and this pleasant but peculiar feeling would erupt from my chest to the rest of my frame. You'd make me smile. It was usually in those instances that I knew you had my heart while I had yours. I promise I will do things differently if I had another chance with you. I'm not going to break your heart and take for granted everything we shared like it meant nothing at all, never again. I plan to guard and keep it safe like I should have the first time. Somehow, I'm going to regain your trust and prove that my loyalty won't waver.

'Matt, you're my guy.'

A/N: Wow, after a long hiatus. I wrote another chapter! I wonder if anyone is still reading this? Oh, well. =)

Drop me a review. I appreciate feedback.

Title from the song "Haven't We All" by Kurt Adam


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